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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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i lost it. my mind.
sitting here, slamming my fist into my head.
for no reason.
or for every reason.
i want out of my own god damn mind.
i dont want to be me anymore.
i dont want to think the way i think.
i dont want to feel the way i feel.
i dont even want to exsist right now.
i want to scream so badly.
to throw things all over, to break everything.
but i cant, i know i cant, i know i must not.
so i slam my fist into my head.
and no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
dont tell me you care because youre a liar.
we're all liars.
we never tell the truth.
because we dont care.
no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
and thats why i feel so worthless.
slamming my fist into my own head.
calling myself a liar.
because i dont care.
but i know i care.
otherwise i wouldnt be hitting myself.
i cant help it, i have nothing else to hit.
after a while, it doesnt hurt anymore.
but if it doesnt hurt, why am i still crying?
i cant keep doing this to myself.
but i cant fix it either.
i think im broken.
and no one cares.
dont tell me you do, because youre a liar.
and im a liar.
we're all liars here.
we're all worthless.
and no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
no one cares.
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Monday, February 20th, 2006
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I'm on the cusp of having a nervous breakdown at a most inappropriate time.
New haircut.
Clean shaven.
and still feeling the same as i did before.
school is really taking a toll on me,
however, i don't think it is school which keeps me up at night.
I did start exercising again, that helps a little.
But I still have no outlet.
I'm slowly learning to play guitar, that helps a little.
But my left hand is fucking retarded.
The situation in this apartment has gotten no better.
Caught a mother fucker trying to steal my pizza.
That pisses me off because I'm extra poor and any food i have is precious.
This last weekend was a bust. Again.
I'm feeling very insecure, and fucked up.
Agitated. Frustrated. Distraught.
I'm having problems sleeping at night.
And whenever I'm awake, I wish I was sleeping.
Feel like a psychotic break comin' on.
Snapping two by fours.
Punching holes in dry wall.
There's this girl I like. A lot.
But there's a part of me that says she doens't like me.
No matter how hard I try to not listen to it,
It keeps worming its way into my brain.
I'm sick and tired of frying myself with a magnifying glass.
I need a vacation, from myself.
This weekend could not come any sooner.
I can only pray for salvation.
Heh... Salvation. i dont know what im trying to be saved from.
Myself, perhaps?
or the things i think and feel?
Maybe they were right when they said I was crazy.
Maybe i should have taken Prozac like they wanted me to.
But anything that is not me, is simply not me.
I'll get over it, I always do.
Then why the feeling of impending doom?
Like the world is about to end...
This weekend could not come any sooner.
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Sunday, February 19th, 2006
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Only been able to think about one thing all weekend.
and thats next weekend.
i feel really good...
yet really shitty at the same time.
I want to make a phone call very badly...
but probably wont.
fucking conundrum.
just let me rot.
It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive.
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Monday, February 6th, 2006
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what the fuck am i doing man?
seriously.
game fucking over.
and i dont know what to do.
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Friday, February 3rd, 2006
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| Time: | 12:54 am. |
| Mood: |  sad. | | Music: | Funkadelic - Maggot Brain. |
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Been forever. Thats ok. I still read what you write. So here is what I write.
This song with no real lyrics.
The ultimate form of expression of depression.
I've never heard a guitar so sad.
An excellent represntation of my current state of mind.
I'm not really here or there.
I'm not anywhere.
But outer space.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe.
I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all,
or drown in my own shit.
I escaped hell to find purgatory.
One thing they don't tell you about hell,
is that you will always have someone around.
In purgatory, you are alone.
With nowhere to go.
And nowhere to hide.
Stripped of any comfort.
They take away your happiness.
Then your mind follows shortly.
And it becomes very much like quicksand.
The more you fight it, the further it sucks you down.
And you start to wonder,
How far down must you go before you drown?
And you'll catch a branch,
thinking it might save you.
But it is only so long before that branch gives way.
And when it breaks, where do you go?
You can't run back to hell.
So you'll try to run elsewhere.
Running from everything becomes your solution.
A solution to creating problems.
And problems you create everywhere.
Again you find yourself neither here, nor there.
You're not really anywhere.
But outer space.
Go on, maggot brain.
Go on.
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Friday, December 9th, 2005
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Had my first final for the term today. this morning actually. and it was very, very unconventional. well, truth is, theres not much about this school that is conventional. So for the class, we had to pick a style of dance and actually dance for the class. so i skanked. and did a bit of jiving too. actually, i did the twist, and the monkey, then proceeded to skank for three songs. then i showed people how to do the time warp, and i had over half the class doing it. oh man, it was great.
anyways, last day of school is thursday, and im driving home on that day too. hopefully the weather will be good, because it snowed at least 6 inches here yesterday. good thing its not freezing ass cold out. its only a little cold. im sure that will change. but the day after i get home, im flying out to california for 5 days. Ill be back on the 21st, so all of you lincoln/omaha people that would like to see me/hump me/give me a hug you better let me know so i can make sure your particular mission is completed.
Thomas and Aaron are supposed to come back from Japan tomorrow, im going to call Thomas on sunday and see how hes doing. other than that, not much new.
Piece.
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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Happy Halloween! (my birthday is in three days)
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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
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Its been nearly three weeks since I updated. I kind of feel like livejournal has died. I guess i also feel like part of me is dying too, or maybe the whole thing. Things have been really shitty here, and I can't seem to do anything to pull myself out of this depression. So last night was going to make it all go away.
Last night was Social Distortion. All day I had this knawing sense of something going horribly wrong, that something was going to get fucked up and the show that should be taking my mind off of everything wouldnt be able to.
That almost happened.
Work called and asked me to come in early. I was going to call in anyways, so i used bad food as an excuse.
Jared wanted me to drive, but my tags are expired, so I couldn't.
We almost got in about 3 accidents along the way.
We got lost downtown.
We missed the first band, and only saw half of Mest (who i was not impressed by at all.)
But then it was Social Distortion.
For the 2 hours they played, it was bliss. Everything disappeared, nothing else mattered.
They were fucking incredible.
Thats about all I have to say.
Piece
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Tonight was too good for words.
Maybe I'll try to make sense of it tomorrow.
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Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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You'd think I might be happier to come home for a while. Things in Chicago are not going poorly, however, I'm quite discontent with them. I don't really have very many friends, school is going well, and I find myself with far too much free time. Working at Best Buy has helped some, but its not really enough. I still spend too much time at home.
So I come home for the extended weekend, thinking that I'll be able to get away from the petty insignificant bullshit that haunts me, and I come to find that it haunts me here too. However, when I'm here, that nagging in the back of my skull is amplified. I guess no matter where I go, I won't be able to escape it. So I search for things to give me solace, and it seems like everything I try makes it worse, re-applying that amplification to a phenomenal magnitude.
I guess the only good thing about coming home is seeing my friends. It's good to know that some people care about you, that some people still talk about you from time to time. One big fear I have is being forgotten, another is being ignored. It's not that I crave the attention of everyone, but there are some people that I need to have attention from, and quite often I get pushed aside or dismissed and there is a feeling of pettiness that consumes me, like I'm an insignificant bit of plankton being devoured by the whale's immense maw.
What follows is quite long and insipid, therefore I suggest you only read if you are extremely bored.
( Recounting the days so far )
Piece.
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Monday, August 22nd, 2005
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| Time: | 11:03 am. |
| Music: | They Might Be Giants - Dead. |
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I returned a bag of groceries accidently taken from the shelf before the expiration date.
I came back as a bag of groceries accidently taken off the the shelf before the date stamped on myself.
Did a large procession wave their torches as my head fell in the basket and was everybody dancing on the casket?
Now it's over, I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want,
Or I'm still alive and there's nothing I want to do.
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Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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i think i have the worst sunburn ever.
Edit: well, maybe not the worst one ever, but i think any sunburn where you have second degree burns is pretty bad. i dont really tan, i guess i kind of bake. anyways, after not even being able to lay down without having fucking spasms i tried everything i could think of. cold shower, aloe, hydrocortisone, nothing was working. everything hurt. so i called my mom, she said try shaving cream. tried that, it did nothing. so i went to the hospital. now i have steroids, anti-inflamitories, and vicodin. oh dude, and i havent slept either. im planning on going to class in the morning, after that, well, i dont know. im supposed to have 2 more classes, then supposed to work at 4:45. we'll see if that happens...
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Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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Theres a lot of people who dont really understand the way I think. Hell, I can admit that there are a lot of times when I dont even understand what I'm thinking. My mind has been conditioned to question everything, even myself. The way I feel, the thoughts I think, every action I take, I am already questioning it, wondering what other outcomes there could have been. So I'm going to give you a little insight into the way my mind works...
I was walking to McDonalds to get some food, and on the way there is a bridge that crosses an interstate. So when I'm crossing the bridge over the interstate, I look over the side at the traffic rushing by. 30, maybe 40 feet above, and I have these urges to jump over the side. And I mean these are extreme urges to just leap over the side and see what would happen. I wonder if i would fall and be fine, if i could break something when landing. I wonder if i would get hit by a car, and I wonder what that would feel like. I wonder if I could have landed on top of a car, maybe crashed through the windshield, and then what would have happened to the people in that car. I want to know what all of this would feel like, I want to know if I would live or die. I'm not affraid of any of this, although I probably should be. No, I really want to know what its like. I can already feel myself leaping over the side... caught in that free fall... waiting to know if I'm alive or dead....
...but I keep on walking. I know I cant just jump like that. No matter how badly I want to, I know that this could be something that I never wake up from. And even though I have the greatest desire to sleep forever, I have the feeling that it is just not my time yet. So I just have to keep wondering, surpressing the urges I have...
I'm still waiting for that time when I can finally free fall... fine my resting spot. Sleep, sleep forever, sleep in peace. I'm still searching for that peace.
Piece.
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i dont get it. my roomate is sitting next to the tv, on his computer, with headphones on, watching music videos. on the tv. not on his computer. let me also state that the headphones are plugged into his computer. he just keeps switiching between BET and MTV Jams. its pointless. and annoying. im so fucking tired of having to listen to hiphop and rap all the time. it wouldnt bother me so much if they played different stuff, like they were just playing some old school stuff, and he changed the channel. its like, he expects to hear the same songs over and over and over again. and they just annoy the shit out of me. one of the reasons i want to get out of this apartment so bad.
ive got other issues to deal with too. right now is not a good time either. i need to focus on school, but the weight tied to my ankles is starting to pull me under. There are deffinatly some things i need to get worked out, some things i need to address, but right now, i dont know if i should. All i know is that i cant keep feeling like this, i need something to really change the mood, shake it up...
hopefully thatll happen in the next couple weeks.
Piece.
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I think that UPN has some of the worst shows in history.
for example: Gang of Roses.
who the fuck comes up with the idea of a group of ethnic (three black and one asian) women who are cowboys/outlaws/bounty hunters?
oh, and to make it worse, the acting is horrible, and the music is totally R&B and Hip Hop.
its almost enough to make me want to choke a bitch. at least, good enough to get me out of the house.
Piece.
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Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
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tonight, shes for someone else.
today was probably the worst day ive had since i moved.
things just generally dont go my way sometimes.
and sometimes means most of the time.
this isnt helped by the fact that we had bread earlier today, but now i cant find it. i think my roomate hid it, and i want a samich. he says not to use his stuff. like bread and milk. because those are really expensive things.
i want to choke a bitch.
really.
first time ive thought about quitting and leaving. but thats probably what everyone expects. i dont hate living here, i just hate the place im living in.
and i hate being lonely.
let me reiterate, i fucking HATE being lonely.
and i miss playing music.
more than anything, i miss music.
still, i cant go home. not now. i dont even know if i can call it home anymore. already, 2 months in, and my wanderlust is setting in. i want to be on the road so bad... neither here, nor there. always going somewhere. i want to go to Japan. I want to go to Germany. I want to go to every state in the United States, playing shows in every city we go through. I want to see Brazil, I want to see Vancouver. I dont need a home if im always going somewhere.
always. going. somewhere.
God willing, ill have the strength to continue, get my sorry ass through all this. i know if i can find a band, if i can find some people to keep me from being lonely, ill be alright.
i just havent got there yet.
Piece.
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so the new mouse i got for my computer is awesome. it has these really slick buttons on the side for scrolling back and forward on the internets, and i think i love them. actually, i know i love them.. also, got my plane ticket and days off, so im coming home. uhhh... lessee.... im really poor, so if you want to give me money, ill probably give you the sex or something. i dunno. i really had no point in posting, i just thought i would. theres something weird on tv. i need to finish this project. im hungry. uhhh... also, im talking to a really cute girl who likes zombies. and i like zombies. maybe we can do the nasty. i dunno, hahahaha, i think im a little tired too. i got moved from digital imaging to wireless at work, and so now i know nothing again. i wish i could get moved to something i knew about, like video games. alright, that was a lot of rambling. back to work.
Piece.
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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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Almost done with my first semester thing of school. then i get a week off. itll be nice.
September 1st through September 6th i will be back in lincoln. coming back to see Thomas and Aaron before they leave for Japan. im still jealous, and i hate them both. but im flying into omaha that thurday, flying back out on tuesday. therefore! anyone, everyone, i will be calling you guys, trying to do as much in that one weekend as possible. see as many people as possible.
other than that, i really got nothing.
Piece.
Eric
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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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So i got my computer now, its new, and its awesome. seriously, this thing is a fucking BEAST. im very happy with it, plus, if i want to go to a LAN party or something, this will compete with the good quality desktop computers. im in the process of installing things and getting things set up like i like them right now... although i wont be able to have everything on it untill i go home and load some shit from my computer. one thing im really missing is a mouse, however, that should be here next week sometime. along with the router. as of right now, i am stealing bandwidth. over an insecure connection. also, i got rid of norton already, because i hate norton. i wont allow that shit to corrupt my computer. not something so awesome as this. anyways, ive been up since 6 this morning, and i think i really need to go to bed. because my parents are in town, and i guess we are going to do something tomorrow. i love it when they come to visit because then everything is free.
Piece.
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